Proof of Manhood

The ole ranch hand and his beautiful bride recently hosted the First Annual Tin Star Ranch Chili Cook-Off.

After careful cogitation and reflection, your humble fat boy has decided on some chili cook-off "do's and don'ts" fer true Texas CHAMPIONS to foller:

1. Scorch up the ranch dirt road in a pickup truck and a cloud of dust....the bigger the better on both counts, especially them monster dually diesels with gargantuan brush guards in front.

2. There ain't no way, no how, to have too much duct tape or too much adult beverage (dometic only...none that dang imported stuff!) when chili cuisine is involved.

3. Pre-tasting snacks is good....Jack Daniels whiskey is the best "snack", especially if ya is lookin' to soften up the competition.

4. Always, ALWAYS prominently display an American and Texas flag to show true redneck patriotism (and never bring up taxes, the president, or the price of deer corn 'less ya want your hind end scorched off).

5. Dress is optional...especially fer the wimmen folk, but men must wear ragged boots with their jeans tucked in the top of them poo kickers, rodeo belt buckles, and tee shirts and hats with logos of beer, cars, sports teams, or trophy buck deer. Facial hair is optional, but not with encrusted chili after having passed out with your face in a bowl of Texas Red.

6. Braggin' on your chili masterpiece is pre-judging mandatory conduct...victory dances after winning are frowned on, especially if you are too drunk to know you were not really the winner?

7. Tellin' hunting, fishing, and other lies at a cook-off should be an Olympic sport...and the first liar never has a chance.

8. And last, but not least, actually ingesting any of that greasy stuff is absolutely NOT a prerequisite for anything. Just showin' up and listening to all the BS of your kinfolk is proof enuff of manhood!