FAT, DUMB, AND HAPPY

If you been payin' attention, you know the ole ranch hand don't know diddly bout computers. I don't have a clue about hardware, software, firmware, or terabytes. I couldn't define DOS, UNIX, or MAC OS, if you spotted me a microprocessor, threw in bundled shareware, and donated a Linux kernel.

I don't get it, don't understand it, and likely never will.

(Historical note: In 1983, the DPS computer division offered to loan me an IBM AT computer. Seems they had been trying to get the Highway Patrol Chief to move to the cyberspacial age and he was resisting. They needed a mullet to take the bait. In walks the new Headquarters Highway Patrol Lieutenant. They offered the machine and my innocent/naive butt took it. My boss came in my office, saw the IBM. and promptly threw a fit. He called it a toy and said all I was going to do was "play" on it all day long. I prevailed with tales of how productive it would make me, but his final word was that it would be thrown in the hallway if my work level declined. In the long run, I kept the computer and became the first Texas Highway Patrol Trooper in history to officially utilize a computer for police work) (I later found out that others in distant duty stations were previously using computers, they just kept it a secret from the Chief)

With the above confession of ignorance now public, go back in time with me to 1995. I was fat, dumb, and happy as an Assistant Division Chief at DPS headquarters. My responsibilities included things like the law enforcement training academy, a 3,000 vehicle fleet of
Trooper cars, and statewide construction projects.

One day while snug and secure in the comfort of my office, the DPS Lieutenant Colonel (Dudley) came into my office, sat in a chair, and propped his feet up on my desk. Dudley allowed as how he had just fired the head of the DPS computer division (I was not surprised). He then paused and stated that effective immediately I would be the acting computer division jefe in charge of two mainframe computers, a huge client-server network, statewide data processing operations, and development of a digital driver license project.

I only asked one question, "For how long?" He replied, "Until I tell you different".

I thought about saying something really profound like, "Holy Sh_t!", but instead said, "Looks like an opportunity to succeed." As Dudley walked out. I sat there and tried to get my brain to stop spinning like a WD-40 slot machine after a lightning strike.

From that day, I spent the next year working seven days per week under as much stress as I had ever experienced on the job while trying to manage development of the multimillion dollar driver license project, keep the legacy systems intact, and trying to wrangle
the herd of cats that represented themselves as software programmers.

The Texas driver license you now carry in your pocket/purse was my baby. I survived the year pretending to be a computer guru, and at the end of the year I was promoted to full Division Chief supervising a major division of the DPS.

The good news: I happen to know that Linux is an operating system used by a family of Unix systems.

The bad news: Linus Torvalds invented this system 17 years ago. In an age where the technology changes by the hour, I concede that I am hopelessly behind the learning curve and foster no hope of ever catching up?