Brewsky Chili

Havin' a plan when making chili is a recipe for disaster (on the scale of runnin' outa beer on Saturday night and actually talking intelligibly for a spell)

Ya just gotta let the creative juices flow and this cultural concoction will cure itself like jerky on a summer day.

Now for foolproof "red", ya gotta start with a six pack of brew. Caress the aluminum tab and start syphoning it into the chef to lubricate the creative process and your glib patter of conversational gems.

Git a pan, pot, culinary utensil or anything that will hold the makings. (try that next aluminum cylinder of cool brewery goodness, if you please, and can actually muster the coordination to perform motor skills?)

(This next part is secret because it would ruin my rep as a manly man) Slick that pot with a dab of extra virgin olive oil (EVOO)(yeah, I know, that is girly fide crapola, but dang if it don't help the taste), get it hot, and then start to brown your favorite protein. Chunk in some beef, venison, sausage, turkey, armadillo, squirrel, hell anything but that damn tofu crap (that's gotta be the devil's own special brand of Spam/potted meat/bologna and oyster rolled into a neat package of gelatinous yuk?)

Add diced sweet onion, salt, cumin (OK, I don't have a clue what cumin is, but I try to be sociable in this traditional process?), and red pepper (for color, style or grace??). Garlic is good for taste and repelling chili eating vampires (trust me, I have never knowingly been "neck sucked" by a vampire)

Next super secret, but impotent step, throw in whatever the hey you got in the spice rack ('cept crap like pumkin spice, ginger and other foofoo wimmen junk) Be adventurous without spillin' none that mix of hops and barley brew into the boil (if you still retain the mental capacity to recognize a "boil"?).

Now the swamp is gitten deeper. This is the Mason-Dixon, North/South, New London vs. Gaston Armageddon. To add a form of tomato or not???? Wars have been fought over this question? Marriages have foundered, children have been disinherited, and tattoos have spawned (a reliable source says the Berlin Wall was built over this issue!!)

Figger the tomato conundrum on its own merits and git on with more impotent stuff like: how many cervezas ya had yet chef? (and how the who did you suddenly start to unnerstan espanol?)

FORGIT BEANS!!!!!!!!!(never forgit cold suds) Chili bean eaters is communist, liars, horse thieves, and afraid to fight fair!!!(an probably champagne drankin' fag tofu pate guzzlers?)

Now as the late Wick Fowler queried, "How long has it been since you had a bowl of chili?

Well, that's too long!"

Nuff said (now can i borrow a brewsky off ya till the boss man brings the paychecks?)