JOHN DEERE

Ever been stuck in the mud in your vehicle?

In 1980, I was stationed in Marshall and had the privilege of being part of a deer lease between Marshall and Beckville. The lease was off Highway 43 and adjacent to the Sabine River so it was heavy with trees, brush, and every varmit known to mankind.

I killed the heaviest deer with the best antlers in my life on that lease one year. However, in 1980, my luck turned sour. I hunted many days that year, but I did not see a buck to shoot.

On the last day of the season, I vowed to burrow into the bowels of that river bottom before daylight and a stay til plumb graveyard dark. My plan was to make one last valiant effort to collect some venison and horns. I was the only person hunting on the lease that day, but true to my word, I stayed til the sun was swallered by the hunger of the West horizon.

Unless you have been in a river bottom on a moonless night, you have no idea what dark is. You can wave your hand two inches in front of your eyes and see no movement. I might mention that your hearing mysteriously becomes more acute (either that or the "scary" creatures start crankin' up their choir practice bout then?)

I climbed down from my deer stand and walked to the Chevy pickup that I "inherited" from JRM. I cranked that trusty puppy and started easing my way out of the river bottom along a pipeline right-of-way cut thru the woods. Imagine my surprise when I drove into a bog-hole (think quicksand with a "suck") and promptly ceased forward movement.

Now being natural born country, I expertly spun the rear tires backward and forward for a bit to try to get it un-stuck. No luck. The frame and bottom of the pickup body were flat against the mud from front to back. Hell, both bumpers were against the ground and sinking!

My next bright idea was to dig out the mud from in front of the tires, put some limbs there, and triumphantly drive out of the quagmire, NOT! The only thing I accomplished was to smear black sticky sh_t starting from the top of my head, over the entirety of my camouflage hunting clothes, and to cause my boots to weigh about 40 pounds each.

Now reality is beginning to set in. I am 15 miles from the edge of town, it is a dark as a witches heart, and I look like Rambo after a pig wrestling match (which I lost!) Another words, what person in their right mind is going to pick me up hitch-hiking thru the river bottom? I think about then was when I started fantasizing about inventing a small, wireless, battery operated phone that would work off the signal of multiple communication towers (Naw, no one would ever have a use for something like that?)

Wasn't nothing to do but walk out to the road (you would have to be there to hear all the hoots, screechin', screams, coming out of them woods that night as I walked)(No, I didn't carry my deer rifle as would have sealed the deal of no one giving me a ride on the highway)(And no, I didn't have a flashlight with me as that would have implied some sort of preparedness on my part?)

Just as I was feeling my way near the pasture gate, I thought I heard a small engine "chugging"??? Then I saw some small, dim headlamps that were close together approaching. Finally, the guy who had leased the land for his cattle came along on his tractor. Seems he was looking for a lost cow, otherwise he NEVER came to that part of the river.

Mr. Farmer obligingly pulled me from the maelstrom of mud, but not before my misadventure took one last turn. His old John Deere had a round hay bale spear protruding about 3 feet from the back of his tractor. I tied a tow line to the embedded truck and directed the tractor to back toward me. As the line was short, he had to back close to the bumper. At the last minute his foot slipped off the tractor clutch and that centurion sword (hay spear) came to within an inch of piercing my chest and poking a hole in the radiator of JRM's pride and joy. (Me and JRM would have both been disappointed with that outcome.

Bottom line, the Lord was with me, but he wanted to teach me a lesson in humility, survival, route selection, and the value of John Deere tractors.